What is Couples Counselling like at Liminal State Counselling

Written by Andrea Colliar

Oftentimes, couples seek out counselling because they are wanting to understand their relationship better, where they get stuck, or how they got stuck for so many years. Every couple arrives with a different challenge or part of their relationship they are wanting to understand better, find clarity in, or see change.

Sometimes couples want support with a long-standing issue, to feel heard, and want their partner to show they understand them.

Some couples arrive with a lot of love for one another and may be seeking support with feeling even closer or more aware of who they are as a couple and what they want for their shared future together.

Others may step into the office carrying tension or frustration about where they are at in their relationship and this is expressed in different ways.

Couples counselling will often include explorations of how you two got here, the frustrations, confilcts, and strengths of your relationships. What colours your relationship in the present and past such as children, extended family, work, family history, grief, betrayals, and sources of broken trust.

This article is a general guide to what couples counselling may be like at Liminal State Counselling. What you may notice in the first session, the first few sessions, and in our work together.

This article provides general information only and is not a substitute for mental health care, medical advice, or emergency support. If you are in immediate danger or feel at risk of harming yourself or someone else, contact emergency services in your area.

What the first few sessions may feel like

Most couples feel a mixture of emotions in the first session, they may feel nervous to meet the counsellor. They might feel worried about whose side the the counsellor may take. Couples sometimes feel glad to be starting something they've been wanting to do for their relationship for some time.

These and much more are all part of the first and often first few sessions. The counsellor will offer you support and understanding, and reassurance that they are on the side of your bond & connection between the two of you.

The first session is usually a free consultation of about 20-50 minutes. To see if you two would like to work with this counsellor, to see if the counsellor understands why you're there and what you want support with. And to most importantly feel safe and trust in the counsellor to support you in getting there.

This may include explorations on the following:

• What brings you to couples counselling?

• How did you two meet?

• What is the story of your relationship?

• How do you two support one another?

• How do you know when an argument has started?

• How do you know when its ended?

• How are we doing so far?

• How does this pacing feel?

After the first session you might feel lighter, more clear, understood. You might also feel tired, frustrated, and disappointed with where your relationship is at. Sometimes, couples argue after the first session or the first few because hard things get stirred up. If that happens for you both, let your counsellor know and they will also check-in with you, to support you both.

Feel free to share any good things you notice about the process and pacing and any worries you may have along the way.

Emotions & Couples Counselling

A key part of counselling and couples counselling is connecting with how you feel. Connecting with your emotions as the research shows, this is the direct path to change and healing. The emotions are known as the music that couples dance to when they feel connected and disconnected. Emotions are our internal compasses, that guide us towards what is important to us, our goals, our needs, motivations, and dreams.

When a couple feels connected, the music of their emotions is slow, safe, curious, and in sync with one another.

When a couple feels disconnected the music, the emotions of their dance, often do not feel safe or understanding, rather it may feel chaotic, intense, or silent.

Possible emotions of a connected dance:

• happiness

• love

• supported

• trust

• calm

• harmony

• intimiate

• attuned

Possible emotions of a disconnected dance:

• fear

• worries

• frustration

• anger

• anxiety

• abandon

• rejection

• shame

The Purpose of Couples Counselling

Couples counselling can be a place to slow down, reflect, and notice the experiences of one another. These couples often want a safe place to celebrate their wins, how they support one another, and to learn more deeply about each other.

For others, they are wanting to get to that place, but first there are difficult parts of their relationship that need to be heard and acknowledged with accountability.

In couples counselling, your counsellor will support you by hearing how you both feel and what you both do with your frustrations, anxiousness, or overwhelm and how it impacts the bond between you with empathy and understanding.

At these times, sometimes couples may notice patterns starting to emerge. Patterns that can be tough to talk about. Your counsellor will be there listening with heartfelt curiosity and non judgement.

Patterns may sound like:

• When I feel like he's ignoring me, I'll ask him about something like did he remember to empty the dishwasher because I'm feeling frsutrated overwhelmed. And when he ignores my question, I ask more questions, I get louder.

• All they want to do is talk, aka argue, and I try to at first, but then they just get more and more upset. So I just walk away, I don't know what to do with that.

• He doesn't understand that I get overwhelmed by what he's saying so I pull away, and I know that me pulling away makes him more and more frustrated but I don't know what else to do.

• We're always looking for whose fault it is, and blaming each other. The conversation feels pointless.

• We've both sort of given up, I used to get mad, but there was no resolution, so I stopped bringing things up and she's fine with it because we're finally doing what she wanted, not talking.

Neither person is the enemy in these situations. The two people are stuck in a complex pattern of unsaid emotions, unheard thoughts, and ways of protecting themselves through emotional turmoil that doesn't feel safe.

Patterns often include individual parts like, for example, how a person in the relationship feels about an emotion like anger; and relationship parts like what happens when a person feels sad, communicates the sadness, and how it sits with the other person, what they do with the other person's sadness, and how it feels for them.

Benefits of Couples Counselling

By exploring and processing the patterns couples may feel more clear and less confused by what is happening between them.

With this clarity, all of the confusing and possibly overwhelming parts of their conflicts may feel more organized, coherent, and manageable.

As things feel more organized and manageable, couples often feel more accountable for their part in the dance of their conflict. And that accountability often feels good to connect with and good to their partner too.

This usually leads to couples getting to know their patterns more, more aware of how and when they start, and what else they may do to change the steps of their dance.

Overtime, couples then start to move with one another in different ways, they may notice less intense conflict or less silences and distance between them.

Then as the couple starts to be sources of emotional support for one another, places of safety & comfort, and curiosity & respect, we begin to explore and further strengthen the new ways or renewed ways of being there for one another's experiences.

What would the benefits of couples counselling sound like/feel like:

• I'm too angry to talk about this right now, can you come back in 30 minutes, and I promise we will talk about this.

• Thank you for being there for how I was feeling today, I really feel supported by you.

• I know that was hard for you to hear but thank you for listening to me and not taking it personally

• I can tell you're not in the space to talk about this right now, can we talk about it later?

• I didn't know that, this was like that for you, I feel like I get it now, and I'm sorry.

• More intimacy and what that means in your relationship, maybe that means more hand holding, physical closeness, cuddling, or sex.

• You're amazing, I'm so proud of you.

• I love you, you've been through so much, and I just want to be here for you now.

Whether you two are already starting from a place of connection and closeness, couples counselling can be a place to celebrate it & further strengthen your bond.

And if you both are in a place of frustration, disconnect, chaos, turmoil, or distant silence, couples counselling can be a place to find one another again in safety, trust, and connection.

Johnson, S. M. (2019). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection (3rd ed.). Routledge.